Venice, aka STOP PLEASE STOP WHY HAVEN'T YOU STOPPED: The Musical

All right, I haven't reviewed anything in a long time, but after having a crappy streak in the last week of seeing 2 "meh" shows and 1 mediocre one, I feel like I should get back on the blogging horse, as it were, so that others may avoid my fate.  So, I might as well start with the most "interesting" show to review....which would be Venice.  Venice is currently running as part of the "Lab" series at the Public Theater, which means it is being given the chance to be seen by audiences while it is further developed and whatnot.  However, this is not a truly new work by any means...it has already had productions in both Kansas City (naturally!) and LA.  My advice after many years of development and multiple productions: move on and write a new show.

I went in unsure of what to expect, as I'd heard many negative comments about the show, but also had heard from others who had liked it.  I thought it might be a "generational thing," as is often the case with any musical that includes rap and hip hop.  If so, consider me an old, old man.  I love me some rap and hip hop, but I generally prefer it to be, ya know, good rap and hip hop.  

Venice has a plot, I'm sure.  I can't decide if it has too much of a plot, or too little of one, but either way I guarantee you won't care much about it.  A general summary is that 20 years ago in Venice there was a very vaguely-described terrorist attack that killed a lot of people, including the parents of Venice and Willow (who is/was the daughter of the president...of Venice?).  Since then a corporation has been very greedy!  And that corporation wants...things to happen?  That aren't good!  Honestly, I am still not sure, but it is the basic post-apocalyptic situation in which people like to talk about the elusive "safe zone" a lot, and also hate corporations and the army.  Pretty cutting-edge stuff.  We also encounter our first problem here: either name the location Venice or the character Venice.  You don't need both!  When they are singing about Venice you don't know if it's the character or the city/country/continent/god knows until you later hear the pronoun they are using.  It's like having a character in Oklahoma! named Oklahoma!

Venice and Willow knew each other as kids and have been writing each other letters since then and are in love.  You won't see any chemistry proving this, but fortunately we have a completely pointless rapping narrator to tell us these things that are never fleshed out through the actual book scenes with 1-dimensional characters.  Venice's half-brother is evil and also has marital problems.  I know you're always interested in the villains' relationship issues!  Also, the CEO of the evil corporation loves Willow.  You can see where this is all heading.  The casting director has kindly made things easier to understand by casting the men on a sliding scale basis…usually the darker the skin the man has, the more evil he is.  

Throughout this we have a narrator to over-explain the plot at times, and other times to literally just stand in the scaffolding and watch.  As I mentioned before, this character is completely unnecessary...but happens to be the lyricist and composer, so I suppose that provides job security.  His main function on stage seems to be bulging his eyes and gesturing with his hands like a mad, gay Italian.  This photo summarizes 95% of his scenes:

Just in case you find yourself bored during the first 2/3 of the first act with these underdeveloped characters, they also add in the half-brother's wife, and Nicki Minaj....sorry, I mean Lady Hailey Daisy.  Sorry, I mean Nicki Minaj.  She is apparently both an entertainer and the mistress to government workers.  She's literally a government hooker!  Her purpose is to be SEXY and HIP and MODERN.  She performs a number at a party right before the wedding of Venice and Willow (?!) in which she introduces herself by saying something like "I AM THE HOTTEST BITCH IN THIS JOINT!"  Apparently in the post-apocalyptic world it isn't a faux paus to steal attention from the bride.

Adding to the book problems are the music...a few tunes are hummable, but the lyrics are problematic, to say the least.  I usually am not much of a lyric nazi, but there are so many false rhymes that you get excited when you hear a true rhyme...such as rhyming "enemy" with "enemy."  The hook to one song is literally something like "I can't imagine what we imagined would happen is happening/Is this really happening?"  I wish I had the lyrics on hand, as I believe there's another "happen" in there somewhere.

The set pretty much consists of stairs and scaffolding, so it's basically Michael Grieif's wet dream.  The choreography is somehow strangely Riverdance-ish, in that they move their legs A LOT, and their torsos don't do much.  I am not sure how that fits in with a modern/futuristic show, but I am sure there is a reason.

I honestly did want to like Venice; I ignored the "It's too loud!  The rap is terrible!" comments and thought it was the usual old theatre queens doing what they do best.  However, these opinions are sadly in line with my own.  Even with a fairly strong cast, this show shouldn't move any further without a complete overhaul.  It's a bad sign when the two most entertaining parts of the show were watching the queens in the first row's reactions to the show (which were very similar to my own), as well as staring at the sweat that accumulated in a VERY unfortunate place on an actor's costume.  Note to costume designers: tight grey suits can be hot, but if you notice that your actor sweats in awkward areas then change the costume!  Or just as a general rule: don't have people wearing tight suits and dancing around under hot lights.

I’ll end this rambling post with a general thought: not every type of show or story lends itself to a musical.  After seeing various movie-to-musical transformations over the year, I think all of us can agree on this.  While Venice isn’t based on a movie (it’s VERY loosely influenced by Othello), I don’t think post-apocalyptic plots really scream out “musical!”  If people asked themselves “Would this really make a good musical?” more often, we could avoid these pena ajena situations.

Spring Awakening/Despertando en Primavera...Revisited

Well, my dear friend Manu got free passes to Spring Awakening on Saturday and I can’t say no to a) free things, b) theatre, and c) free theatre.  So, sensing that my last review may have created a wee bit of drama, I decided to revisit it and give my thoughts on this performance, as I left with some very different impressions than the week before.

First of all, a brief explanation as to why I am reviewing the show in the first place.  Despite what some may think, it is not out of bitchiness or the desire to make people think they are doing a bad job.  With tickets being $500 (which, let’s face it, is not cheap), I believe that people have the right to share their thoughts and advise others to see or not see a show.  That is a big investment, and since Mexican media generally doesn’t really review theatre, it can be hard to really know if it is worth it or not (and 100-character glowing tweets from 13 year-old girls don’t really count as useful reviews, in my book).  In the end, we all want to see good theatre.  I don’t want to bring down others, but the arts should be reviewed and create a discussion.  So yes, that is me and my “don’t mess with my 1^st Amendment, bitches!” explanation.

Anyway, the show!  Overall, I was much happier with this performance than a week before.  I think a lot of this stemmed from the fact that they had a much, much better sound mix.  The very distracting sound booth has fortunately been moved elsewhere (the audio guys and their very bright laptops distracted me for the entire performance a week ago, as they were between the orchestra and mezz section), I could understand all of the lyrics, and the entire mix just sounded much more professional.  One of the poor conductor’s keyboards was out of commission for most of the second act for some reason, which did lead to a rather empty orchestra sound at times, but I am willing to ignore that, since that is a performance-specific issue and the rest has improved so much.

This time around I saw Melissa Barrera as Wendla and I thought she was quite good.  She has a nice voice, acts well, and despite the fact that she seems to be very tall, she acted innocent and young enough to make me believe her as Wendla.  Once again, I saw Mauricio Romero as Melchior, and I enjoyed his performance just as much as the week before.  He has the register to hit the (quite) difficult high notes and is overall a good Melchior.

I continue to be obsessed with the lighting.  I am going to hire the lighting designer to follow me around so I can make dramatic entrances everywhere I go.

The girls harmonize beautifully and I do admit that I wanted to hop around along with them to “My Junk.”  Unfortunately, I can’t say that the male group harmonies are up to the same level; separately they can sing fine but when all of them sing together it doesn’t sound quite right.

I still maintain that the book parts need work.  They are too rushed and you don’t connect with the characters nearly as much as you should.  They feel like brief interludes between rocking out, and that isn’t how it should be.  It is a very challenging show to direct, as you have to find the right balance between modern and old, and that balance still hasn’t been obtained, unfortunately.  The script is a bit strange even in English, but there are some very powerful lines that don’t have the “oomph” that they could.

I could go on and on, but I’ll wrap this up and share my final thoughts.  I am not saying that the show is perfect, but it is quite enjoyable, and if you go in with a blank slate maybe you will immediately fall in love with it.  No matter what, Spring Awakening is a great show and even if there are points that could be improved, you should see it.  There were very few people in the performance I went to, and they deserve a bigger audience than what they are having.  Tickets are 50% off for “el buen fin” so go see it and let me know what you think.  And since I am completely re-obsessed with the cast recording lately, maybe I’ll see you there.

Spring Awakening (Despertando en Primavera)

Okay, Spring Awakening review time! Hmm, where to start? Hmmm. Well, first of all I’m going to assume you know something about this show, as I am not explaining everything.  Mainly just high- and low points.

So overall it wasn't terrible but it also wasn't great. It really varied throughout the night in terms of quality. I think it is impossible for SA to be awful just because the music is great, so there will always be something redeeming in it. However, the direction is really confused. Like, I don't think the lady understands the show.  Or if she thinks she does then we both definitely have different opinions as to what it is about. Basically, if you approach the show as "I want to hear good music" then you will have fun. The songs were performed pretty well and I remembered why I love the show so much. However, the book parts are EXTREMELY rushed and you don't feel tied to the characters nearly as much as you should. And you don't walk away with the messages you should walk away with.

Let's start with the cast...it turns out I was there for the first performance of the Melchior understudy, and I think it was the Wendla understudy’s first performance, too (not completely sure) This Melchior looked younger than Alan and I liked him; he had a good voice and acted well. Wendla wasn't quite as good, but was fine...like not bad, but her voice wasn't as powerful as I would like in certain parts. The rest of the cast was varied in terms of quality...overall the girls had better voices than the guys. I realized how a fair amount of the songs have really high parts for guys to sing and honestly everyone had problems with those parts...Melchior, Hanschen, Moritz...no one could hit the notes well. I realize they are not easy to hit, but that is your job! So cast accordingly or do something! The guy who played Ernst had a really nice voice, but has like 3 lines so that's a shame that he has that part.

The strangest direction and acting were in Moritz and Ilse. Like...Moritz was just kinda childish and excited about sex in the first act and not nearly as intense and torn as he should be, so the suicide didn't really make sense. Partly this is the actor's fault for his choices but the director should have steered him. I thought he was better in the second act in his frustration, but the issue was that his frustration made no sense. There was no clear road that got him there.
 
Ilse was WEIRD. WEIRD!!!!! She was just like a fast-talking young girl who desperately wanted to hang out with Moritz? She was not a hippie at all, nor anything I would expect. I didn't understand it at all. She sang pleasantly, but you could tell the girl felt it was her time to be in a concert because it was too American Idol-y and not theatre-y.

The other ensemble girls were really good at playing the young age well, even if they are older than the Broadway girls.

What I really felt was missing, and I'm not surprised by, was that this production was WAY less German. Like, at times the mother was too modern and also Mexican-acting. Obviously the adults were very German as teachers but I didn't like how they played the parents. And that lack of direction goes throughout...it was far less German, which isn't necessarily a problem, but I think it needs to feel a little more old-fashioned and conservative/restrictive/oppressed at times for it to make more sense.

The staging was very similar to Broadway...the set was similar except the backdrop was like a church instead of a brick wall or whatever it was in NY. They had the tree on the ground and they have sex on the swinging platform. They also had onstage seating.

The sound was a HUGE issue, and I know part of it is the fault of the theatre...but it was ridiculous at times. Plus the producers chose this crappy theatre, so it is a very legitimate complaint.  A lot of the lyrics were unclear, and then the mix would just suddenly change in the middle of the song for no apparent reason.  From what I hear, this happens in every performance.  Considering they have been open for weeks, I don’t really understand hwo this could still be happening.  On the other hand, the lighting was quite impressive and was very powerful. I was very pleasantly surprised by that.

Despite the sound problems, the songs were performed well overall. Too bad that the stage is rather small, as Totally Fucked was too crowded and they had to like dodge each other so they couldn't be as free.  Once again, don’t understand this theatre choice.


The audience seemed to enjoy it...I mean, they were very quiet overall and really barely laughed at all, but they seemed happy with it in the end. And I've read a lot of positive tweets about it.  I'm sure if I hadn't seen it in NY I would be happier with it than I am. Though the review sounds pretty negative, I actually did enjoy many parts and think many people will enjoy the show.  I want to see it again a) with the expectation of it being a concert, and b) so I can see the main Melchior and Wendla
End of my rambling.

Departamentos!

So Eduardo and I have kinda been looking at apartments to buy lately, though more half-assed than we would wish. Today we went to an apartment-buying convention thingy at the WTC and god some good ideas and contacts. On the way back we decided to walk around the area, since it is an area we like. We found a few buildings we liked, and then randomly this lady that saw we were looking around told us there was a good building a few blocks over. We decided we might as well look, so we walked over...and found the most amazing apartment building EVER! We love it! The apartments are beautiful! Well-designed, with amazing closets, bathrooms, fixtures, etc. WE WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately it is more than we want to spend.....but we may just have to look into our options because me wantyyyyyyyyyy! There are only two left, so we have to figure this shit out quickly if we actually do want to get it. Hrm. I WANT!!!!!!!! Unfortunately there aren't pics of it online, so I can't show you, but just trust me that it's beautiful. If you have any money lying around, you could always paypal it to the Jeff and Eduardo House Fund! :)

Don't mess with drag queens!!!

So I'm too lazy to blog lately, but in the meantime check out this hilarious video. I wouldn't fuck with that shit!

Gay drama!

So a couple weeks ago Eduardo and I booked our tickets to Oregon for Kris’ wedding, and we MAY have tacked an extra week onto the trip to spend in NYC! WOOT! Very exciting, especially since Eduardo hasn’t been there since 2003!

Anyway, right before we booked our tix, we found out that George Michael would be doing his big farewell tour in NYC right around the time we were there! We were going to leave on Monday, the 21st, but we extended it so we could see him on the 21st (and so I could see my boyfriend Jonathan Groff in Hair on the 22nd, woot!).

Anyway, I was very worried about tickets because arena concerts are HORRIBLE and EVIL and you can never get tickets, but spend a million dollars for the seats anyway. And you have to deal with Ticketmaster, which is like the worst company ever, fucking bitches! AND tickets in NYC were literally twice as much as other cities! GRRR! But I didn’t care, because it is his first U.S. tour in 17 years and probably the only chance I’ll have of seeing him!

So I found out about the AMEX presale that started on Monday morning at 8 AM. I usually leave for school at about 8, but figured it would be okay if I was a few minutes late, since George Michael > school, thank you! Um, little did I know the drama that was to ensue!

So the tickets sold REALLY fucking fast and the seats in the 2nd section were crappy and way too far back. I opened another window to check what the seats were like in the 3rd section, and they were closer, so I decided to get those instead, even tho I wanted better ones. So I went through with the purchase and when I got to the confirmation page it didn’t say the section or seat numbers, which I thought was strange. I clicked purchase anyway and was happy until I checked my receipt, and they gave me the shitty 2nd-level far away seats!!! WTF! Apparently you can’t have two windows open because the cookies or whatever mess with the site. FUCKERS!

So at first I emailed them and hoped they would reply quickly. Well, they didn’t. Even though I should have left for school then, I was on a mission and got out my calling card and started calling Ticketmaster. I tried every single NYC state line and they were all busy. I couldn’t call the Oregon number because they weren’t open, so I decided to call a random-ass state with no people….i.e. Kansas! They transferred me to customer service, and I had to wait like another 20 minutes. I finally got a bitchy lady, but fortunately she was helpful and said she would cancel my order so I could buy them again. Well that took another 15 minutes, then I could go back and buy the ones I wanted in the first place.

In the end I was an hour late to class and spent WAY too much money on this damn concert, but at least we have tickets now! It better be a good concert! Hello, they should have given me first-row seats after being on hold with Ticketmaster for an hour from Mexico! Hrmph.

Um, oops!

So today Eduardo and I were bored and went to one of the many sex shops in Zona Rosa (you know, like you do) and were looking at their selection of dildos (we weren’t going to buy one, thank you!). Anyway, they had all of these big funky ones and stuff and then there was this one sad little one that looked so boring! I turned to Eduardo and asked, “Why the hell would you buy one this small? Well, I guess if you have an Asian boyfriend or something.” RIGHT as I am saying this I notice that there are two Korean guys RIGHT BEHIND Eduardo! Um, oops! Hahaha. I hope they couldn’t speak English! Anyway, I am totally gonna get my ass kicked some day for my big bitchy mouth.

The Mystery of My iTunes Shuffle

K, I am sooooo intrigued by how my iTunes shuffles songs because it totally is some sort of weird gay religious Japanese lesbian! Let me explain. So I have been addicted to shuffling my music lately, but certain bands and musicals keep coming up OVER AND OVER. The shuffle’s most common choices are Ben Folds, Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, Melissa Etheridge, Dreamgirls, Japanese music, and a musical called Godspell that I have never listened to, but mentions Jesus every other lyric. Yesterday it played THREE Japanese songs in a row, and I have heard a Godspell song at least every day, despite the CD only having like 16 tracks. I don’t get it! I know it’s “random” and there is no point in analyzing it, but I don’t think it is random! It has a mind of its own and it’s driving me clazy!

Just what I need, another TV addiction…

While most people spent their semana santa (holy week) traveling to fun places and enjoying the weather, Eduardo and I stayed at home and watched an entire season of Project Runway in like four days. Some might think this is sad, but it was fun, dammit ;)

I had seen the first three seasons of PR and knew Eduardo would love the show as much as I do, but he had NO interest in watching it. When I tried to force it on him, he was like, “I’m not THAT gay!” Well, apparently he is because he is more addicted than I am at the moment! Yayyyyy, Project Runway is the shit!

Anyway, we watched the entire fourth season and loved it, but I’m sad because I had deleted the first three seasons off my external HD since I didn’t think I’d watch ‘em again, and now he wants to see them! So we are either gonna search for bootlegs of it at the tianguis or get them at Blockbuster….hopefully they have them at the tianguis because I don’t like paying for something and not being able to keep it! That is definitely not fierce…some may call it a hot tranny mess!

Oh my god!

Dude, trashy blogs are now using "sad?!" WTF! I must know how this is happening....I think people are spying on my "sad"-filled E-Mails!

Funny and scary

Two links....first, the funny one (sadly it is totally me and Eduardo!) from Stuff White People Like.

And now the INCREDIBLY SCARY one! How the hell old is Donatella Versace?! Ack!!!! If she has to be in my nightmares now, at least I won't be alone, muahahahaha.

One more

Who knew that Alec Baldwin could be so funny? He may be a jackass, but this is freaking hilarious.

YouTube Addiction

K, I am currently addicted to certain YouTube videos and I figured I should share my guilty pleasures. Enjoy?

In case you somehow missed it, Sarah Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon."

Amanda's acting reel from Ugly Betty.

Amanda busting out "Milkshake" in church on Ugly Betty.

Okay, last Ugly Betty clip! Amanda and Mark getting drunk and singing Dreamgirls. Yes, I love me some Amanda on UB!

I just got into 30 Rock and am totally addicted to it at the moment...here is Tina Fey being "crazy" while studying abroad in Germany.

K, this is the gayest song ever, but Thalia's Seduccion is the shit!

And always a classic, Robin Sparkles' awesome '80's music video from How I Met Your Mother!

Photo Update!

So I FINALLY uploaded Mexico pics....check 'em out here!

More Rent news, woot!

So originally Eduardo and I were going to meet up with my family in a resort in Los Cabos in May, but that isn't working out as planned. So I think we are going to meet up in Scottsdale, AZ, instead (yes, random). Anyway, I randomly looked up the theatre schedule there for when we would be there....and fake Rent is going to be there EXACTLY when we are there! Coincidence?! Methinks no!

Also, rumor is that the REAL Rent tour with Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp will be in Portland June, 2009. Let's hope so, woot!

Movies in Mexico rooooooooooooock

So movies in Mexico are amazing for two reasons! One is that their nachos are the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! I usually don’t buy food at the movies ‘cause it is a rip-off and blah, but I have to make a fatty exception here, because they have nachos that are the same as trashy American nachos, BUT they have bowls of jalapenos, onions and tomatoes to put on top of them! It is self-serve, so you had better believe I put like ten pounds of condiments on top. It is fucking goooooooooood and I am gonna have to bring like chopped up veggies in a bag when I go back to the States, haha.

The other reason is because they have “VIP” screens, which means that you pay twice as much for a normal ticket (but only ten bucks), and it is all exclusive and stuff! There aren’t nearly as many chairs, which means less annoying people, AND the chairs are huge comfy leather recliners! They come in pairs, separated by tables between, meaning you and your boy/girlfriend can sit together and not be next too close to other people. Also you get a waitress that will take your order and bring you your food! It is the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit and the US should totally have it, although it would be like 20 bucks.

So yes, movies here rock! What doesn’t rock, however, is the shitty movie Vantage Point, which we saw last night and didn’t enjoy at all. Boooo!

Rent lives on!

So, Rent is closing on Broadway June 1st (unless they extend through the summer). Either way, Eduardo and I probably won't be able to see it again before it closes, which is not acceptable! However, there is this good news, which means we can at least see it somewhere in the States one last time, woot! I need to see it again knowing it is my last time seeing it for real (before a bunch of high school and shit put it on, ewww!).

Take that, Obama bitches!

Hahahaha.

Scary!!!

So I decided to apply to Berlitz, the language school that Eduardo, Jorge and others work at, because Jeff be po and need some money up in hea! Anyway, I sent my resume in, and now I have a “language test” on Wednesday. Um, are they going to test my English?! ‘Cause I do not have much confidence in that at all! It is bad enough that Eduardo offered better English advice on my resume than I could muster. I am currently speaking some hybrid of Jenglish/Spanglish/crappy English that doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me. Not a good sign! This will be really depressing if I fail a damn English test. Pray for me!

Wow

This article is depressing.

I want a Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

I want a Wii, god dammit! K, I admit I am the most ADD person with a video game system and want it for a long time, then forget about it like two months later, but it looks so fun!!!! Plus hello, I can avoid joining a gym since I will obviously get a HUGE workout by moving the controller all over the place! Hehe. But yeah, I want one. They are relatively easy to find here because Nintendo are bastards and marked it up 200 fucking bucks, so that is $450! Fuck that! I would get it if it was 250 because even tho I am broke, that is “cheap,” but 450 is too much. So instead I just harass Eduardo every time we walk by Mix Up, since you can see them from the door. I was sad because the one Wii there was missing for a few days, but now they have two! Me wanty!!!! I need a sugar daddy!

I’m seeing Gael!

K, so I refused to leave China before seeing a panda, and I got what I wanted. Well, actually it was more of a joke, but it was cool to see one! Aww, it was eating a carrot and I wanted to kidnap it.

Anyway, likewise, I refused to leave Mexico before seeing Gael Garcia Bernal (Y Tu Mama, Motorcycle Diaries, etc.) and I am getting what I want, dammit! The other day they announced that he would be in three performances of a play called Together for the spring theatre festival in the city. Best believe Eduardo and I got tickets right away! WOOT! I am so stalking him afterwards, yo! I don’t care if he is only like two feet tall, he is my Mexican lovah (sorry, Eduardo)! So cute! YAY!

So yeah, my homework now is to download (I mean, “buy”) the movie that the play is based on, since I want to know what the hell is going on in between naked scenes. He’d better be naked up in hea, yo, what else am I paying for?!

Back to blogging

So I FINALLY have internet here in Mexico and Eduardo is going back to work next week, which means I will be bored and be forced to blog to entertain myself (as well as entertain the masses, which are just DEMANDING more Jeff blogs, hehe). So yes, I promise to blog soon, but in the meantime I am messing around with things....changing to purty bright colors, as well as a new politically incorrect blog title, yay!

Dude, wtf?

Um, yeah.

Back in the States.....photos!

Long time no blog! Well, I am back in the States, and have been for about two weeks, clazy. I had a great last couple weeks in Japan and I miss it, mehhhhhh!

Anyway, I finally updated my photos page. I added eight albums (from "Disneyland and Tokyo" on). Check it out here.

Probably won't really be blogging until October, when I head to Mexico. Hmm, Jeff's Mexicanication just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Taking a break from the busiest week EVER...

...to post the CUTEST picture EVER! Seriously, how can a kid be that cute?!!!

Scary last class today!

So this week I have had a lot of last classes, which have ranged to sad with the good classes, to a “see ya later!” with the bad classes. Hehe. Actually I was sad for all of them, but it hasn’t really hit me for the most part, which is for the best at the moment!

Anyway, today I had my last class with 3-4, which is my best class, so I expected to be sad. However, instead it was a bit violent and weird in the end! So after the typhoon game I asked them which game they wanted to play, and they said a version of hot potato we do where we pass balls and if they have tennis balls I ask them a question and if they have these two other types of balls, they ask me a question. Well, it was ghetto and I hadn’t prepared for that request, so we passed textbooks while we played the English dialogue CD in the background, hahahaha. Nice.

Anyway, the kids were mean and kept purposely putting all of the books on Seki-kun’s desk. I am not sure if he is special needs, but he at least has some sort of learning disorder, as he can’t speak, read or write English at all. He is a nice kid, but he understandably is really uncomfortable during English classes because he cant do anything and is afraid of being called on. Anyway, the kids were being bastards and kept giving him the books, trying to get him to have to answer. I tried to stop them, but it didn’t work out so well.

Anyway, him and Yuto, who is like the nicest, genki-est kid in the world, kept exchanging the books, trying not to get stuck with it, and it led to DRAMARAMA! Seki got mad that the book ended up on his desk, so he like threw it at Yuto. Even nice Yuto can apparently get angry, as he got a scary look on his face and started almost punching him! THEN Seki busted out his SCISSORS and started stabbing at Yuto!!!!!! Um, SCARY! Fortunately he was too far away but it was still pretty close, it was fucked up! Then Seki cried for the last ten minutes of the class, the ten minutes of break, and into the next class! AND started crying when I tried to comfort him during lunch! ACK! That is not how I expected that class to end! Also, it was awkward, as I am taking pics with the whole class at the end of every last class, so while Seki was crying and shit, it was like, “Come on, guys, CHEESE!” Hahaha. Sad, only at Yabuchu!

I am a bastard!

K, I am forced to correct 200 2nensei kids’ papers about their summer vacations, and I just have to post some of their interesting English! Hehe.

“Tokyo is also famous for delicious food. For example, I like ramen very much. A lot of tall buildings and young human.”

“This summer, at curry rice and hiyaci cyuna (cold Chinese noodle salad) is very very delicious a dish. But my a family is very poor people. So this year we can’t fravel only two or three times.” SAD!

“Changing the subject, there is the thing that I have already taken nothing pleasure. It is a festival. I think that even a festival is past a lot of stands.” Hmm???

Kylie Minogue, biatch!

Dude, I realize I am a huge stereotype for saying this, but I am currently addicted to Kylie Minogue’s “Showgirl” concert DVD. Oh my god, it is so fucking good! It is like nearly as entertaining as the Rain DVD, and I thought that was impossible to reach, especially for a white person! It is fucking awesome. I had no idea she was that entertaining, and that her songs were that catchy! It’s good shit, yo!!!

Oh my god, I can NOT speak English anymore!

Okay, so I haven’t been able to speak real English in like two years, BUT it is getting even worse, as it is happening in my lessons now! Like, I cant explain games in English anymore! I was trying to explain battleship to 1nensei today. For some reason Japanese kids have no sense of strategy, and when they hit a ship once, it doesn’t occur to them that they should hit the other two spots on the ship somewhere around the first hit. So I was trying to tell them this in English and was like, “So, Ms. Tagawa hit my ship here. That means that (in my head I am currently thinking, “Oh, fuck, I don’t know where I am going with this in English!”)...there...are...places around here...that...are...hit-able?” Ahahahahahaha. I am SURE my 1nensei understood that perfect English! To make matters worse, my JTE started laughing at my horrible English! SAD! I also said it with the most unsure voice and look on my face, so I am sure my kids think I am retarded, even if they have no idea what I am saying. SAD!

Japanese housewives have too much free time!!!

Okay, Japanese housewives actually don’t have much free time because they are like slaves, BUT they are at least clazy. So it started sprinkling today, which no one was really expecting. Anyway, this mom of a student just drove to school, ran to the staffroom and gave a teacher an umbrella to give to her son or daughter so that they wouldn’t get wet on the way home from school. Um, that is hardcore! Dude, they wear helmets, it’s not like they get that wet, and it isn’t pouring or anything! Crazy clazy crazy.

Ahahahahaha

Dude, only in Japan could students feel my “muscles” and say I am strong and macho and not be joking!!!! I need to stay here!!!

Boring week!

Mehhhhh, so this Thursday and Friday are finals, which means I only have one class in two days, AND today is BOE observation day, which means I only have one class. So between Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, I only have TWO classes! Um, BORING. Also, it sucks, since I only have a few weeks left with my kids, and I don’t want to spend it bored in the shokuinshitsu! Mehhhhhhhhh!

Shuugaku Ryokou! Day Three (Last)

On Thursday, the last day of the school trip, everyone was EXHAUSTED! But it was fun anyway. We had to wake up and head out early, as we were checking out of the ryokan in Kyoto, then training to Nara, which is an old city with lots of temples, etc., about an hour away from Kyoto. First the teachers got a bunch of omiyage (food souvenir things) from the ryokan people, the photography company, and the travel company! It pays to be a teacher! Hehe.

We had to walk to the train station which was far away, and unfortunately it was pouring! Thankfully I bought an umbrella at the 99 (memories!) the day before in preparation, so it was okay, although it was too small and my shoulders got all wet, sad! For the Nara day I joined another group to mix things up, plus because I couldn’t decide between two good groups for Kyoto, so I hung out with the runner-ups in Nara, hehe.

On the train ride there we all ASSED OUT and slept hardcore. Um, it was very lucky everyone was asleep, as I was the most disgusting human being ever while sleeping! I had a dream that I was like spitting or something, and when I woke up there was like ten gallons of drool coming out of my mouth! It was SO NASTY! I am sure you wanted to hear that.

When we got to Nara we all headed to Todaiji, which is a HUGE wooden temple, and is the largest wooden structure in the world. However, it was rebuilt about 400-500 years ago, and before it was 1/3 larger than it is now! Damn, I cant even imagine, it was BIG!

On the way to Todaiji we went through Nara Park, where there are tons of deer that Nara is famous for. I dunno how they aren’t 7,000 pounds, as people feed them senbei (rice crackers, but made for deer in this case) all day long. They are selfish deer! They also devoured a poor students’ bag of stuff, poor girl!

We eventually went into Todaiji, where there are big Buddhas and stuff inside. It is pretty cool, plus is like one of the few places I hadn’t been in Nara (I went there when I studied abroad), so that was nice. My kids and I all got omikuji, which are fortunes, I guess you would say. You pay like 100 yen, then pick a stick that has a number on it. You tell the monk your number, and he gives you the corresponding piece of paper with your fortune. I got kichi, the second-highest amount of luck, so that was pretty good, yay.

After that we headed back to the train station, after having been in Nara for a whopping two hours. There are actually tons of places to go there, but we didn’t have time, which I don’t mind, since it is all the same! Hehe. Before getting on the train, however, like ALL of my boys bought McDonald’s. It was a McDonald’s party! I think they learned not to trust the quality of the bentos on the shinkansen! However, they weren’t allowed to eat on the train back to Kyoto, so they had to wait an hour and a half to eat their McDonald’s on the shinkansen. Gross, I will never understand how Japanese people are okay with lukewarm/cold food (the effect of kyushoku!). Nasty!

While we were transferring at Kyoto station, we passed two other 3rd grade school trip groups. Um, it was HILARIOUS to see the difference between my school and those two! They were ALL quiet and sitting in one place and peaceful, while my kids were running around with their McDonald’s, being loud, and giving the teachers a hard time. Aww, I love my ghetto school! Hehehehe. The other schools looked pretty boring, so maybe it is good that I am at least at the interesting one!

On the shinkansen back I quickly switched seats away from my Kouchou Sensei (principal), as there is only so much to talk with him about, and definitely NOT enough to talk about for 2 1/2 hours! Hehe. I gave it to a kid who wanted to sleep, and I joined my Uno group again. We played Uno for another two hours. Hardcore, yo! I would say I probably played Uno for at least six hours in the three days! It was fun, though, it definitely made the time pass faster. I also scored cool points with my kids by buying them soda from the vending machines (they aren’t allowed to, but my Kouchou did on the way there for them, so I figured it was okay. Well, sorta, hehe).

Oh, between Uno games, my kids entertained themselves by plucking Shugo’s armhairs! Sad! I had noticed his arms were hairy (well, for a Japanese guy), and apparently they were fascinated by them, as it was a very fun game for the boys. One of them was like, “Jeff always says it hurts when I pull his, but you aren’t complaining!” Hahahaha.

We took the shinkansen to Tokyo, and from there we took a bus all the way to Yabuzuka. It was for like 2 hours or so, but fortunately they turned on a movie on the bus, so we got to watch Spider-Man 2. I was excited, as I had been wanting to watch it lately, but then I fell asleep like 20 minutes into it, whoops. Fortunately no drooling issues ensued!

That night we finally got back to school at 7, but I had to be a real teacher and have a debrief/party until 8:30 at night! Eek! The two good things that came out of it was that we were served cake, and I got lots of gossip of what went down that I didn’t know about! Man, there was some DRAMA! Some of it was really sad, my kids are too young to be doing some of these things, eek!!!!

Anyway, yeah, I then went home and ASSED THE FUCK OUT, as I was beyond exhausted. It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fun, though, I totally want to go again! But the bad thing is that it is making it harder to think about leaving my kids after getting to bond with them more! Bah!

Stop this madness!

It is currently 28.7 degrees in the staffroom. It is currently 27 degrees outside. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS! There is like NO fresh air in here, AND the motherfucking server is like 15 feet away from me, THIS IS HORRIBLE! It is so fucking hot! Turn on the motherfucking A/C NOW, bitches!

Shuugaku Ryokou! Day Two

Day two was our full day in Kyoto, where (thanks to the help of technology), we all broke into small groups. There were 30 groups of six students each, and each group had a different route of places to visit during the day. Each group got a cell phone-like thing that could reach the teachers (only), and a GPS thing that would tell the teachers where we were. Hardcore! Anyway, it was a LONG day, as we left at 8 am and couldn’t come back until 5 (not to mention that I went to bed at 1something and got up at 5:30), but it was fun!

I chose my own group, which was a good group. Well, I had two bad girls in it, but it was okay, especially since the boys have NOTHING to do with the girls, it is really quite amusing. I had Yuto, a good kid who speaks good English and is fun, Seki, a kid who REALLY doesn’t speak English, but is a good kid, and Takuya and Takuya, both “cool” kids, but good cool kids, not evil ones. So yeah, a good group! Throughout the day we went to a bazillion temples, as you do in Kyoto. I didn’t know which ones I had been to a few years ago, as I went with gaijin then and didn’t know the names of them. But it turns out I had been to most of the famous ones, as I only went to one new one with my group. First we went to Kiyomizudera, which is beautiful, but at the top of a hill, and it was TOO FREAKING HOT to walk up a damn hill! Ugh, we were disgusting! After that we secretly broke off into smaller groups for an hour, which was breaking the rules, but it all turned out okay in the end. I am SUCH a good teacher ;) I did score cool points with my kids on that one, tho, hehe.

We were supposed to go to Kyoto Tower next, but THANKFULLY we skipped it, as even students were saying it was boring. Um, I could have told them that the night before, it is not tall and not impressive! Silly Japanese people and their crappy towers. Instead we went to 33 Gendo, a place with 1001 statues of Kannon, the goddess of mercy, inside. It was VERY cool, I am glad I went. Each statue has a different face, so it is said that everyone can find their face in 33 Gendo. I do question this, however, as all of them are Asian and didn’t look like me ;) Racist Buddhists!!!

After that we had some bus drama and lost a bit of time, but oh well. Oh, we went all around Kyoto by bus. They have an AMAZING bus system, and you can get anywhere really easily! It is nice! However, I must mention that despite my kids having studied the schedule, bus schedule, and everything for a million years before the trip, they really knew NOTHING! I swear I knew more than them! But it was good, as it forced them to ask directions and stuff. Anyway, we totally went the wrong way for a bit, but then ended up at Kinkakuji, the golden temple that is the most famous temple in Kyoto. I have never been very impressed with it, as it just looks tacky and small, but it is famous for whatever reason. My kids seemed to agree with me, as we went through it at Jeff and Cindy speed! We were like, okay take a picture, BYE! Hahaha.

Next up was lunch, and we all wanted ramen, but couldn’t find it anywhere! I realized I was with the right group, however, as a teacher earlier had given me a ramen recommendation, but I didn’t know exactly where he was talking about. My kids were like, “Call him and ask him!” I told them that that was a lot of work and lunch wasn’t that important, and they all stopped walking and said seriously, “It IS that important! Lunch is that important, Jeff!” Hahahahahaha! Man, that is my kinda group!

Anyway, we ended up having udon instead, but it was good. Once again the boys had nothing to do with the girls and we got separate tables, haha. Silly chuugakusei.

Our last place to go was some sort of Kyoto castle, which took a while to get to. When we got there I immediately recognized it as the place that my friends and I went to a few years ago, but then didn’t go into, as it was too freaking expensive and we didn’t care enough. Well, my students thought the same thing, as they were like, “This is expensive! Let’s leave!” Hahaha. So we took a picture in front of the entrance, hehe.

Oh, yeah, it was freaking awesome, btw, as my kouchou sensei made me a laminated letter thing that said I was a teacher on a school trip, and I got free into all of the temples and stuff! That was nice, as I hate paying for that crap!

Oh, one more thing. Um, so I got SO MANY freaking stares for being with my kids throughout the day, I am sure I looked like a total molester pervert or something! No one could figure out our relationship to each other, which is understandable, as ALTs never go on school trips! Anyway, yeah, everyone was like, um, wtf are you doing with these kids. Hahahaha, it was funny. Hopefully the Kyoto police aren’t looking for me ;)

After the castle we were done for the day, but had an hour before we could go back, so we broke up and wandered around a shopping area, completely EXHAUSTED. It was SO hot plus no sleep was not a good thing. Some of the students got NO sleep the night before, and most only got a couple hours. Anyway, me, Yuto and Seki wanted to sit somewhere, so I was like, well, lets go to Starbucks. I got an AMAZING azuki (red bean) frappuccino, which are the best things EVER. They are new. Anyway, I quickly realized that Starbucks is not exactly a typical junior high school student hangout, BUT I was very impressed when Yuto got in line to order something! He came back and I was like, what did you get? He got COCOA! Awwwwww! SO CUTE!

We were finally allowed back in the ryokan at 5, and we were all DEAD! We had dinner, then everyone went shopping at a local shopping area. So in Japan when you go somewhere, you get omiyage (souvenirs) for your friends and family. It is just a big excuse to help the economy, but Japanese people love doing it. It is almost always in the form of individually-wrapped cookies, crackers, or something like that. Anyway, my kids went freaking balls to the wall crazy with omiyage purchases! It was ridiculous! A lot of them had to ship them back, they bought so many! However, I think it was probably exciting for them to do it, as they felt like adults! So yeah, I was the cheap gaijin barely buying any omiyage, while my kids had like 30 boxes, haha.

That night I played MORE Uno and other card games (and had the night before, too) with my kids, then drank with my kouchou and teachers again, then got another LONG four hours of sleep!

Shuugaku Ryokou! Day One

So on Tuesday I was lucky enough to go on the shuugaku ryokou, woot! Every grade in junior high schools go on trips once a year to learn, bond, etc. The first year they go to an outdoor school-type thing in the mountains, second year they go to Tokyo, and third year they go to Osaka, Kyoto and Nara, which is far away (in Japanese terms). It is a way to learn Japanese history and have fun and everything before they graduate. Anyway, yeah, I was lucky, as my kouchou sensei (principal) invited me to go this year! I later learned that he had to pull strings and keep it a secret from some BOE people (ooo, sneaky!), so I was very lucky to be allowed to go! Yay!

We left on Tuesday, and good LORD, I had to get up early! We had to be at school at 5:30 in the morning, eek! Not amusing. I couldn’t sleep the night before, so that was not a good start, but I was excited, so it was okay, I wasn’t grumpy, surprisingly! I was amazed at how all of the students were at school way early and way before me! They were all ready by 5:30, clazy! The poor kids had to wear their nice uniforms the whole time, even tho Osaka, Kyoto and Nara are freaking HOT, and teachers had to wear work outfits, so that wasn’t very amusing, but oh well. Anyway, they were all genki and in their uniforms at a ridiculous hour in the morning, I was impressed!

Anyway, from Yabuchu we took buses to an eki (train station) about 45 minutes away, then took the train to Tokyo to take the shinkansen (bullet train). I was very amused, as one student asked me at the eki, “Jeff, why did you ride your bike here?” I was like, um, no, I came on the bus, and he replied, “Oh, I thought I saw you riding your bike over there!” Um, hello, I would NOT ride my freaking bike to an eki that takes 45 minutes by bus to get to?! Clazy kids.

Oh, the trains on the way to Tokyo were typical Tokyo-type trains (i.e. packed), and my inaka kids were NOT okay with them whatsoever! They were complaining like the whole time! Hehe. In Gunma trains are like never standing room-only, so that was a bit of a shock for them. Also, Yuto, the boy sitting next to me, had like a heart attack every time a train passed loudly by us on the track next to us. Once again, Gunma is ghetto and only has one train track, so that isn’t possible here! Haha, sad, poor inaka kids!

Anyway, we eventually got on the shinkansen, where the kids were allowed to bust out their snacks they brought. Um, the snacks are seriously the highlights of the trip for the kids, it is scary! They brought SO MANY! They aren’t allowed to bring food with them to school ever, so this was like their free time, and they took advantage of it! It was like a conbini in there, damn! I cant believe the kind of crap kids can eat, btw, it is scary! Anyway, the boys sitting near me played Uno with me for like 2 hours, which was the official start of the most Uno I have ever played in my life in a three-day span! I am now an Uno Master! It was fun to hang out with the boys, though, yay. Oh, I should mention that they aren’t allowed to bring video games, music players, etc., they can pretty much only bring books and cards. This was a good idea, I think, as it forced the kids to be social and talk to each other and stuff. So yes, hence, lots of Uno!!!

Once we got to Osaka, we took another train to Universal Studios Japan. Might I add that Yabuchu rocks, as most schools don’t get to go to USJ! Woot for us! It was the only place I hadn’t been on the trip, so I was looking forward to that. While it was TEENY, it was a lot of fun! I rode on Spider-Man 3-D twice, and that is the freaking best ride ever! I thought it was gonna be like Star Tours and Back to the Future, in that you think you are moving, but you aren’t. However, you are actually on a track moving, but there are screens and motions that make you feel like you are moving more. It is hard to explain, but it is REALLY well-made, and is freaking awesome! The 3-D part was really cool, too. They need to make a Batman ride like it, it would kick ass! I also went to Terminator 2 3-D, which was pretty good, but dated. I also got to see a 30-minute version of Wicked for free! They do about three shows a day, and it is good for being a free USJ show! It is like 2/3 Japanese and 1/3 English (the Elphaba is a gaijin), and it was enjoyable. I couldn’t get tickets to Wicked in Tokyo, so I will count this as my Japanese Wicked experience! After that I walked around with some boys and stuff. Might I add that it was FREAKING HOT there, holy crap! It is SO much more humid in that area, and USJ has no shade! Also, I should be hot and sleep-deprived more often, as I didn’t eat between 10:30 and 5 and was completely fine? It was very scary!

Oh, during USJ, I was harassed about two things! First, they kept asking why I didn’t bring Cindy, who they think is my girlfriend. Um, even if she was, WHY would I bring her on the school trip?! It isn’t like the teachers brought their wives and husbands! Anyway, they were all like, “Why didn’t you bring her? You should have brought her? What omiyage are you buying for her???” Hahaha. Then all of the guys were trying to convince me to shower with them at the ryokan (Japanese-style inn, meaning they have public showers/bath). I would actually do it if they weren’t OBSESSED WITH MY PENIS! Like, it would be fun, as guys talk about amusing things when showering in Japan (hehe), but er, yeah, not gonna happen since I am a gaijin and they talk about my bits enough as it is! The most amusing quote was from Kenta, who said, “Don’t worry, Jeff, we all have them! No touch!” Hahahahaha.

After USJ we took the bus to Kyoto. In Japan tour buses always have guides who talk for a million hours about random shit, and I felt VERY sorry for our guides, as the kids totally didn’t pay attention to them! Poor girls (they are ALWAYS girls). Anyway, we took the bus to Kyoto, got to our ryoukan (Japanese-style inn), had some dinner (um, the teacher’s dinner was SO MUCH better than the students’!!!), and that was about it. That night we had a teacher’s meeting and then I was forced into drinking with my kouchou sensei (principal) and a couple other teachers, hehe. It was fun, tho! And a good way to get gossip ;) Anyway, this is hella long, end of day one!